Qualities of Those Who Fear Commitment
Commitment phobia is more common than realized. Thus, it was important to compose a guide for recognizing and overcoming the fear of commitment. I will start by exploring what we know about those who fear commitment. There are several qualities to look out for when trying to identify if you or your person of interest fears commitment. I have compiled a list of those I find most relevant. Let's take a look at each.
I. Avoidant
Most often, the most common way to recognize one's fear of commitment is avoidance. This usually involves avoidance of past trauma associated with 1) abusive (emotional or physical) experience and 2) observed negative patterns from family dynamics and fear of repeating those cycles. This is typically illustrated by anyone avoiding discussions about commitment in general, plans for the relationship, their relationship history, and their parental relationship history/dynamics for observed patterns, typically fears commitment. This is pretty cut and dry, right? Avoidance is something we can look out for in our behavior as well as the behavior of others because avoidance lets us know that something is wrong. While it does not mean that the individual does not love or care for us, we can recognize that, based on their experience, something is keeping them from committing. Therefore, avoidance does not tell us why or how to recover from it.
II. Financially Unstable
Culturally, we associate immaturity with financial instability, but these are different things. With the pressure and stigma associated with success and the ability to care for a family, financial instability is an excellent indicator of those likely to fear commitment. Now, this is not to be confused with those who may find themselves in a financial bind at a certain period, but more for those who deem themselves incapable of maintaining a job that provides them the necessary finances to provide for themselves and others. Again, the stigma that culture places on financial stability can give way to insecurities that prompt people to fear commitment because of their ability to provide.
III. Self-Focused/Self-Centered
This one is not as common as the others but can be easily observed. An individual who is always self-focused or centered is likely to fear commitment. Their focus on themselves is an indicator of insecurities or feelings of inadequacy. This should not be assumed without communication, but the best way to inquire is to ask, "What do you feel about commitment?" or "Do you feel like you are in a place to commit to a relationship?". While these questions should be in the list of questions asked in the dating stages, it is certainly something to ask if your partner (or individual of interest) shows signs that their goals are more significant than the partnership goal.
IV. Uncertain
Individuals who are generally uncertain of the future are typically not ready to commit, whether they fear commitment, cannot trust or lack purpose. This is not commonly discussed, but it is essential to look out for. Uncertain individuals either declare (communicate) their inability to trust others or that they are still on the path of self-development and thus cannot provide you with the attention and focus they need to give themselves. They have witnessed frequent patterns of infidelity (cheating) or experience such extreme insecurity that they cannot imagine a future where they will be able to trust or find themselves sufficient enough to be in a relationship. And as a result, ultimately, they fear commitment.
In hindsight, each of these qualities/traits has something in common: the theme of extreme feelings of fear associated with commitment. Fear presents itself in insecurities, which prompt us to avoid our feelings altogether or to become so stressed out by our feelings that we deem ourselves incapable of commitment. So, how do we overcome this?
Let's look at a few steps/tools to help overcome fear.
Overcoming the Fear of Commitment
When you are battling insecurities, everything seems out of reach, but I assure you that everything and every goal you set is achievable. All you have to do is work toward one at a time.
I. Redefining Normalcy
Understanding that everyone operates from very different definitions of normalcy is crucial. For some, what is deemed normal can be unhealthy (maladaptive) or toxic ways of being. Therefore, an active and intentional effort must be made to redefine normal to view commitment healthily. In other words, focus on the benefits of relationships so that the benefits can outweigh the fear.
When attempting to overcome the fear of commitment, I recommend understanding that everyone is different. There are such varying dynamics in experience that what is true for most may not have to be true for you. So, redefining normalcy to overcome the fear of commitment could involve reading self-help books on the dynamics of healthy relationships, consulting a therapist, and reflecting on and learning from negative aspects of our relationship experiences.
II. Finding Independence
Finding independence speaks to finding financial stability and independence. This process may vary slightly depending on the individual goals, but this includes discovering your purpose and things that fulfill you so that you can articulate who you are and what you love. This could consist of working toward financial stability so that you can feel secure enough to commit. This could also involve focusing on other areas of self-development that build your self-esteem and confidence, reducing insecurities. It makes you feel stable and comfortable in your independence enough to find interest in a commitment or partnership. When seeking to commit, individuals want to feel like they are contributors. In this step, you focus on identifying what you need to develop to feel like they could benefit from and contribute to a partnership with someone else.
III. Set Boundaries
Boundaries serve as an individual tool for support and reassurance by helping those who need to protect themselves from future hurt. Thus, establishing boundaries will support eliminating anxiety/fear associated with commitment. For example, set boundaries that align with your level of comfort. Say that if you only want to be friends without intimacy until you are more comfortable. And if the individual cannot maintain the boundary, they are not for you. The only way to work through fears associated with commitment is to use tools that support building or rebuilding trust. And boundaries provide you the opportunity to do that.
IV. Develop Communication Skills
Working to overcome (change the view of) commitment requires sufficient communication skills. It would be best if you expressed your challenges and insecurities to work toward addressing them, regardless of whether you are working on this individually or with a friend, partner, or relative. When developing communication skills, you will find that you will likely default to making assumptions. But assumptions are antagonistic to growth, disabling our ability to approach situations, conversations, and dynamics from a neutral perspective. Ultimately, this limits the discussion when you do not go into a conversation from a neutral place. Thus, it is crucial to understand that you need not assume you know the answer or response, e.g., don't assume that someone is unworthy of your trust or that they feel you are financially unstable or inadequate. Instead, be open to listening and collaborating on a solution versus proving yourself right and operating through your bias.
Additionally, ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand correctly. You can ask clarifying questions in two ways: one is to restate what you've heard to ensure you interpreted it correctly, and the second is to ask questions throughout the discussion to ensure you fully understand the intent.
V. Develop Emotional Availability
I want to start by illustrating the difference between emotional availability and intelligence. These are two different things. While emotional intelligence enhances emotional availability, it is not required for someone to become emotionally available. Therefore, to ensure that we all operate from the same understanding, let's review each definition.
Emotional intelligence is generally defined as the ability to regulate individual emotions and temper and respond to the feelings of others healthily. It requires self-awareness, and applied self-control is shown through one's ability to regulate emotions, manage impulsivity, express empathy, and be accountable.
Emotional availability is defined as one's ability to be compassionate, empathetic, vulnerable, respectful of boundaries, and patient. Emotional availability allows for healthy discussion of feelings without fear of how one will be perceived. Therefore, being emotionally intelligent enhances emotional availability, but one can be emotionally available without emotional intelligence.
Understanding emotional availability is easier when you know what it is not. When someone is unavailable, they choose to withdraw from any emotional connection. Essentially, emotionally unavailable individuals actively fight to keep emotions and feelings internal, refusing to be vulnerable and share their emotions with others. Thus, they close themselves to a deeper connection or level of attachment.
Conversely, when emotionally available (in the absence of emotional intelligence), you can express your feelings but may not be as open to understanding or empathizing with the feelings of others. This means self-work is required to understand what from your experiences hinders you from being supportive of others. Another example would be expressing emotions on a surface level, "This hurt my feelings because…" or "I am sad because…" but not sharing the history or origin that triggers the feelings. That is why emotional availability is enhanced by emotional intelligence. With emotional intelligence, you have identified the root of the issue and are working to address it so you can communicate your emotions healthily and freely.
Overall, do your very best to show yourself some grace and embrace the dynamics of your journey. I recommend not measuring or comparing your growth to anyone else. But as you do the work, you will shift your perspective on commitment. Ultimately, the goal is to discover and assign greater value to commitment and partnership.
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