The truth about one sided relationships: 28 signs of a one sided relationship and what to do next.
So you feel your relationship is one sided?
But what exactly is a one sided relationship? How do you know if you really are in one? Is there a list of one sided relationship signs to look out for?
Is it all bad? Is that what love is?
And what do you do next? Stay? Leave?
Read our article for all these questions and more.
What Is A One Sided Relationship?
A one sided relationship is where there is an imbalance in the distribution of power in the relationship. For example, one person puts more time and energy and emotional labor into the relationship.
A healthy relationship is one where both partners contribute equally to the relationship, even if they do so in different ways. It is a balanced relationship.
So a one sided relationship is usually a very unhealthy relationship, certainly in family or romantic relationships.
However, in some cases a one sided relationship could be normal.
For example, the classic work relationship of assistant/secretary for a senior partner certainly has a lot of the same signs of a one sided relationship, however, it is accepted and both people benefit in their own way, provided there are clear boundaries.
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Is Love Always One Sided?
Love is not always one sided, and certainly should not be in a healthy relationship.
A healthy happy relationship requires balance, trust, respect and an openness and willingness to change and to put aside your own wants and needs for the sake of your relationship, or put another way, a willingness to compromise.
In a one sided relationship, that is not the case.
One person has all the power without having to give up anything, or do any work.
While there might be reasons why both parties might be willing to accept this status quo in the beginning, in the long run this is unlikely to work.
People crave closeness, kindness and being connected. They want to be loved and treasured.
Given enough time, not getting it because of a one sided relationship, will eat at them and their mental health will suffer.
Can A One Sided Relationship Work?
It is possible for one sided relationships to work, but only if there are very clear boundaries, rules and expectations that both partners agree upon.
This would require a clear and honest conversation where both partners are open to not only discussing their own feelings, but also willing to listen to each other.
As we grow and change, the boundaries, rules and expectations we have for that relationship will also change, so it’s crucial to revisit these as often as possible.
Having said that, for most people this will not work.
Most of us want a relationship that is fair and equal, that makes us feel cherished, loved, cared for, respected and wanted.
We all crave a meaningful connection, especially in a romantic relationship.
What Are The Signs Of A One Sided Relationship?
So what are the signs to look out for if you are concerned that you might be in a one sided relationship?
- Emotional labor: One person is putting in all the time, effort and emotional labor in making the relationship work.
- Insecurity: The other person makes you go out of your way to put in extra emotional effort and labor. This creates an imbalance in your relationship.
- Control: One person is controlling and has too much power.
- Communication: There is only 1 person making an effort to text, call, reach out or keep the conversation going.
- Conversations are superficial.
- Priorities are not aligned regarding money: You don’t have the same approach to money. One person is the responsible person saving money, while the other person spends too much and takes on unnecessary debt.
- Priorities are not aligned regarding time: You prioritize time with your partner but they prioritize time with their friends.
- Priorities are not aligned regarding future and family: Only one of you wants to buy a house, settle down and have children.
- Financial imbalance: One person earns far more money than the other. Or one person has far more debt than the other.
- Lack of compromise: For any relationship to work, both partners must be able to compromise at least some of the time. But when one person refuses to compromise, it will lead to an unbalanced relationship.
- Respect for each other’s time: When one person constantly shows up late or cancels at the last minute, they are not respecting your time. It’s also a big sign that they consider your emotional needs to be less important than their own.
- Making excuses: Instead of taking responsibility and apologising, they have a good excuse for not showing up/making an effort/being rude/late.
- Not making an effort: Actions speak louder than words. So when one partner is not willing to make an effort to keep the relationship going, or make the other person happy, it’s a problem.
- Unwillingness to change: If you are in a relationship where your partner is unwilling to change behaviour you are unhappy with (for example spending too much time with friends drinking), it can be a sign of a one sided relationship.
- Demand-withdrawal patterns: This is when one person makes a demand, often with the aim of forcing a closer emotional connection, and the other person withdraws. This behaviour has been linked to depression. This is a form of toxic communication where one person feels they do all the emotional heavy lifting while the other partner avoids talking about their emotions at all.
- Different dreams and desires: Another sign of a one sided relationship is when you have different goals for the future. For example, one person wants to have children, the other doesn’t. one partner is really ambitious, but the other partner isn’t. One partner wants a big home and is willing to work hard to save enough money, but the other partner is happy living in a small flat and spending their money now.
- Different needs and wants: For example, one person enjoys travelling but their partner doesn’t; one partner is very social and enjoys going out, while the other partner prefers to stay at home.
- Lack of support: Your partner is not encouraging you to grow, get a promotion at work, enjoy yourself, spend time with your friends, or work towards YOUR dreams and goals.
- You find yourself apologising a lot on behalf of your partner
- You second guess your partner a lot
- You constantly feel insecure
- You feel alone and lonely
- You are afraid of upsetting your partner or causing conflict
- Your self-esteem is dependent on the success of this relationship
- You feel your partner doesn’t really know who you are
- You change your behaviour in order avoid conflict because you are afraid of they will leave you
- Gaslighting: Your partner gaslights you when you bring up the problems in your relationship
- Partner’s calendar takes priority.
Is A One Sided Relationship Toxic?
More often than not, a one sided relationship, due it’s imbalance in power, is very toxic.
It often makes people feel insecure, that there is something wrong with them or that they are somehow defective and will never be happy.
And it can take years for people to overcome the trauma of that toxicity.
It’s that baggage from past relationships that we carry around with us that make it so hard for us to find real love.
One Sided Communication In Relationship
Communication in any relationship is difficult. Humans are spectacularly bad at communicating complex feelings.
We’re too afraid to open up and be vulnerable, and maybe get rejected.
In a one sided relationship where there is already an imbalance and where one person feels confused and unsure how their message will be received, communication becomes even more difficult.
But one sided relationships have an even more complex problem because in a one sided relationship one person does all the emotional heavy lifting.
In one sided relationships, more often than not it is just one partner who tends to initiate conversations, especially conversations around change.
This can lead to what is called “demand-withdrawal“.
One partner starts a conversation in the hope of bringing about a change in the relationship that will make the relationship more balanced. This is the “demand” part.
However, the other partner is reluctant to change as they are already in an over-benefitted relationship, where they get more out of the relationship than the first partner is putting in.
This causes the 2nd partner to “withdraw”, by either refusing to change or avoiding the discussion altogether.
The obvious problem here is that there is no progress and the needs of the 1st partner is ignored while the 2nd partner continues to benefit at the expense of the other.
So the 1st partner remains the under-benefitted person in the relationship and the status quo is maintained.
Why Are My Relationships Always One Sided?
Most people simply don’t have the skills for effective communication, especially since the conversations that really matter also involve strong emotions that make it difficult not only to verbally communicate your way around complex and intense feelings, while trying to find the right words to describe how you feel.
This is why couples go to counselling with a mental health professional, it helps them communicate better.
But there are many other reasons you keep falling victim to one sided relationships.
- Past relationship history: Where we were hurt, where our emotional needs were not met, can really impact us and how we interact with a new partner.
- Emotional dependence: A lack of love and acceptance in childhood
- Emotional immaturity: Age imbalance or where you have not yet learned to stand up for yourself
- Past rejection: Family, parents, friends or romantic partners
- Low self esteem: Too afraid to be alone, don’t think you deserve love /think you deserve the treatment
- Been hurt in the past: Too afraid to be vulnerable / get hurt
- Other insecurities
Should You End A One Sided Relationship?
While everyone has to make their own choices that are right for them and their own lives, I will say that you should take stock of how happy you are.
Real love should make you feel happy and safe. A partner that really loves you and wants the best for you will be willing to change in order to build a healthy relationship.
A new relationship may initially start out being one sided or unbalanced, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
One sided relationships don’t necessarily need to end as long as both partners are willing to change and grow, and actively work towards a more balanced relationship.
Don’t be afraid to see a clinical psychologist, therapist, councillor or even a relationship coach.
It’s perfectly normal to seek help. And in the long run it will benefit your own well being and that of your partner.
However, if one person is unwilling to listen, communicate, or change, then you have a problem.
How To End A One Sided Relationship
Have an open and honest conversation
Explain to your partner where you stand, what you want from the relationship, and why you feel you are not getting it.
Be clear about your expectations, to yourself and your partner
It’s important to understand what you want from a relationship. Often people have very vague or completely unrealistic expectations.
Start by making a list of what you want from a relationship.
Be real though. Flowers every day may sound romantic but it’s not realistic nor is it affordable or sustainable.
Be also realistic when it comes to your partner. You may wish for a romantic partner that is constantly showering you with gifts and attention, but does that fit the personality of the person you are in a relationship with?
Stay calm
The more emotional you get, the harder it will be to have a healthy conversation.
Yelling and screaming will only make the other person withdraw from the conversation.
Stay away from recriminations, pleading, begging, passive aggressive comments or any type of behaviour that will make the your partner feel defensive
Instead of saying “You never do xyz”, try “I would really like it if you did more of abc”.
Accusing someone of not doing something, or doing the wrong thing, will simply make them bring up all the stuff YOU do that they hate.
They will become defensive and the moment someone is defensive, it becomes impossible to have a conversation with a positive outcome.
Be clear and precise
If you are too vague because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, you leave your words open to interpretation and in my personal experience that will lead to confusion and misunderstanding almost 99%+ of the time.
Having a frank conversation, without being rude or accusatory is key to helping your partner understand what is bothering you.
Make a clean break
Yes this means walking away, blocking the other person and not talking to them.
At all!
For a very long time – at least until you are 100% over them.
Don’t text them late at night.
Don’t call them when you are drunk.
The more you obsess over what went wrong, who did what or said this and that, the uglier your own head becomes. It’s the mental health equivalent of rolling around in the mud. All you achieve is to make yourself feel dirty, ugly and depressed.
If the other person wasn’t willing to change while they were in a relationship with you, they won’t change now that you are gone.
Take time for yourself to heal and recover
As a rule of thumb, you have to stay single 1.5 times longer than you dated.
If you dated for a year then you have to stay single for 1.5 years.
If you dated for 2 years, then you have to stay single for 3 years.
This gives you the time to heal your mind, to discover yourself, what you want in life, to grow and to become a strong person who believes in themselves.
Resist the temptation to jump into another relationship in the hopes that the next relationship will be the one to “heal” you.
Learn to love yourself
Let me leave you with these 2 pieces of wisdom:
- No-one will ever love yourself as much as you do.
- Why should anyone love you if you don’t love yourself?
In other words, spend more time and energy in becoming at peace with who you are, how you look, and what you want in life.
Learn to respect yourself and what you want.
Accept yourself just as you are, with all your faults.
The moment you really love yourself, is the moment someone else will too.