How do you know your relationship is healthy? What is a major red flag in a relationship you can look out for? Here are 43 relationship red flags that could indicate you are in a toxic relationship.
All relationships have their set of challenges and problems, but at the basis of them all lie trust and respect.
However, when a relationship is new we often fail to spot the other person’s flaws and bad behavior while we are under the influence of that warm glow of infatuation. For those first few glorious months, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking the other person is perfect and wonderful, or that the problem lies with us misunderstanding them, or having unreasonable expectations.
But there are signs we can look out for no matter how much we feel in love, relationship red flags that will give us a clue as to what sort of person we have fallen in love with.
I always say to friends, during those first few months you have to deliberately be on the lookout for flaws and bad behavior in the other person because while you are in warm throes of love you are incapable of spotting it yourself.
What Does A Red Flag In A Relationship Mean?
Relationship red flags refer to behavior in a partner that indicates an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
Because abusive and controlling behavior is a slow process that increases over time, it can be difficult to spot before it’s too late.
Knowing what to look out for, what behavior constitutes a red flag, will help you make better decisions when entering a relationship.
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What Do You Do When You See Red Flags In A Relationship?
If you find that your partner displays any of the below relationship red flags, then I urge you to think carefully before making big life decisions that will tie you together forever.
This can mean getting married, having children, or simply buying a house together. These are all long term commitments with legal consequences, so you need to be sure the person you are tying yourself to is worth it.
For example, if someone can’t hold down a job and provide a steady income, is that really someone you want to raise children with?
If someone has a lot of credit card debt, and can’t control their spending, do you really want to marry that person? Because when you do, you become jointly responsible for that debt.
Being able to spot a red flag will give you the information you need to make better decisions, or at the very least, avoid making life altering decisions with legal consequences.
However, some red flags are more like giant danger warning signs to run away immediately. This can involve any displays of physical violence – punching walls, slamming doors, pushing or shoving others, including you – or controlling behavior – controlling your money, who you see, when you go out, what you wear.
If you encounter such behavior, run away very fast and close off all lines of communication. Many countries now also allow you to report coercive control to the police, who will keep a record of it. That way, if another person also reports it, they can see that this person has a history that may lead to physical violence, stalking, domestic abuse, rape or murder.
What Does An Unhealthy Relationship Look Like?
A healthy relationship is one where there is a mutual level of trust and respect, and one where there is a balance of power. Couples in a healthy relationship both care about the success and happiness of the other, will show kindness and will make an effort to work on their relationship in order to overcome problems or obstacles.
When couples don’t treat each other with respect and kindness, when one takes and takes while the other gives and gives, or where one is abusive and controlling, it’s an unhealthy relationship.
43 Red Flags And Warning Signs You Should Not Ignore If You Want A Healthy And Relationship
1. They treat other people with disrespect
A big red flag to look out for is how they treat other people, especially close family members.
Because while you are in love, they might treat YOU with kindness and respect, but eventually it will wear off and they will revert to their natural behavior, which means they will then treat YOU like they treat everyone else.
So keep an eye out for how they treat family, friends, random strangers, and especially those people which they consider to be on a lower social rank than them (cleaners, waiters, shop assistants, etc).
When you are in a new relationship and don’t know someone very well yet, it’s a good indication on how a partner might treat you in future.
2. They treat you with blatant disrespect
Whether in private or in front of your friends, being disrespected by your partner is a huge red flag in a relationship, without it no relationship can be healthy, balanced and flourish into a trusting bond between 2 people.
Pay attention to how someone treats you, the words they use, their body language and especially how it makes you feel.
If it doesn’t make you feel good, that’s your subconscious telling you that you are in a situation you don’t like. Always trust your subconscious (also see Trust your gut).
3. Your friends and family don’t like your partner
One of the easier warning signs to spot is if the majority of your friends and family don’t like your new partner, there is usually a good reason for it.
While we might think our new partner is wonderful, our friends and family will be able to tell if someone is treating us with respect and if that person is really into us.
So if they dislike your new partner, then there is a problem somewhere. Do not turn a blind eye to the concerns from those in your life who have been with you through thick and thin.
4. You find yourself defending your partner or justifying their bad behavior
While it’s natural, and a sign of a healthy relationship to stand up for your partner and have their back, if you constantly find yourself justifying their bad behavior then there is a problem.
Either your partner is unaware of the problem in which case you should tell them, or worse, they know, but don’t care enough to make an effort to change.
If it’s the second, then you have a problem.
5. They disappear for days on end and are unreachable
In my experience, when I fall in love with someone, I want to be around them all the time. I can’t get enough of their company.
I always say to friends, if the person is into you, or in love with you, then they will want to make as much effort as possible to be with you. If they can’t see you, they will be texting or calling to see what you are doing and who you are doing it with. They will want to share your life with you even when they are not physically with you.
So by that reasoning, if you are dating someone, and that person can simply ignore you for days on end, then that means they are not in love with you. Not really.
Walk away, they are just not that into you.
6. Wants to spend all their time with you
On the other side of the coin is someone who makes you their entire world.
This is unhealthy, and is a sign they have a lot of insecurities and could even be a sign of controlling behavior.
7. They don’t want to talk about issues, emotions or problems
An unwillingness to open up and talk about what is bothering us can break a relationship.
Communication is key to a successful relationship and when it’s lacking it can lead to so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
While all of us have baggage from previous relationships, being willing to be a little bit vulnerable and open up about something that is bothering you is part of every healthy relationship.
8. They ignore your boundaries
When you’ve set a boundary but the other person keeps pushing against it, then they are not respecting your boundaries, and they obviously feel that with a bit of charm and persistence, they can get you to change your mind.
This can include being more sexually adventurous, meeting family for the very first time, moving in together or opening a joint bank account.
It can also be as simple as insisting you meet up on a Sunday when you’ve repeatedly said you can’t.
9. They tease you when you clearly don’t like to be teased
Similarly, if they tease you about something you are obviously sensitive about, then they are pushing your boundaries in an unhealthy way.
And worse, if they make you feel bad about having a negative reaction to their teasing, they are gaslighting you by putting all the blame on you.
Someone who doesn’t respect your feelings is not someone you should be in a relationship with.
10. You have a bad feeling in your gut
A gut feeling is often the result of us feeling some confusion or friction in our subconscious mind, where something happened that we disliked, but with our conscious mind we justified it logically, thereby suppressing that initial doubt, confusion or anxiety.
Because these feelings are so difficult to describe, and because it’s so deeply buried in our subconscious, the best way to think of it is a “gut feeling”.
We all get it, but we’ve been trained to ignore it, by ourselves and by others.
If you are feeling emotional discomfort but can’t put your finger on it, then step back and try to figure out what is going on, because deep down your subconscious mind is trying to tell you something, and it’s important that you learn to listen.
11. They keep trying to change you
Your hair, the way you dress, the way you talk, the way you eat or what you eat.
This is a really big flag, as it indicates that they have a fantasy person in their mind, and you are not meeting their expectation or fantasy of who they want to date.
This will never stop. Ever. If you stay together, then 5 years from now you will be unrecognizable to your family and friends.
What’s worse, when you give in and change yourself to please someone else you are giving up a part of who you are. It creates a fracture in your subconscious that will grow over time and create emotional problems for you later down the line.
No-one ever feels healthier or stronger when they change themselves to please someone else, because deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are, loved by someone just the way we are right now, flaws and all, and when that doesn’t happen, we feel confusion and hurt, no matter how many times we justify it logically to ourselves.
12. They are still constantly talking about their ex
Too much talking about your ex means they are not yet over their last relationship and any relationship they get into now is likely to be a rebound relationship.
13. They are constantly comparing you to their ex, and not in a good way
If your new partner is comparing you to their ex, effectively criticising you for not doing something as good as their ex, then that is a red flag.
Criticism is bad enough, comparison with their ex, definitely a no-no.
14. They are overly critical about their exes
People don’t change, not really. And how they talk about their exes is a good indicator on how they will talk about you to other people.
It can also be a sign that they don’t take responsibility for their own actions.
Someone who is always blaming an ex, is someone who is failing to take responsibility for their own actions and contribution to a failed relationship.
15. They want to set up a joint bank account or pool money in some way
While this is natural as a relationship matures, doing this too fast is a no-no.
Don’t pool your money with someone unless you have moved in together and then only to pay the bills. And even then, keep your own bank account separate and pay your salary into that, only transfer the money needed for bills to the joint account.
Remember, when you pool money and take joint responsibility for bills, you also to a certain extent take responsibility for the other person’s bad credit history or inability to manage their own money.
So think carefully before you do this, it’s certainly not something to rush into. If someone is pushing you before you are comfortable, then you have to wonder what it is they are hiding.
16. They have an overblown sense of entitlement
Narcissist aside, there are a lot of people who are used to others doing stuff for them, maybe their mother washed their clothes, they had a housekeeper growing up so never had to worry about cleaning the house, or they had rich parents who taught them that money means you can always get your way.
This can often lead to an unbalanced relationship, where one person is always giving without the other person giving back.
This is pretty easy to spot very early on in a relationship.
17. It’s always about them and their needs
Some people have a way of turning a conversation back to them and their needs.
For example, you get the flu and are feeling ill, but suddenly they are so stressed at work, way too busy to take care of you.
Perhaps you had some bad news, a family member is ill, but instead of sympathising, they turn the conversation back to them and how they are not feeling well. If they then also make you feel guilty for not taking care of them, then they are gaslighting you.
Partners like this will never meet your needs, or care about them. You will always be a second class citizen in the relationship.
Over time, this will negatively impact your mental health and make you doubt yourself, your self-worth and self-confidence.
18. It’s never their fault
No matter what happens, it’s always someone else’s fault.
They didn’t get that promotion? It’s because their boss is jealous of how amazing they are.
They got a speeding ticket? Well it’s not their fault, it’s because someone else made them late for a meeting or because someone else set a time that was not convenient or there was someone driving really slowly in front of them for a while that made them late so they had to hurry.
Either way, it’s definitely not their fault.
When someone cannot accept responsibility or apologize, it does not bode well for building a relationship based on respect and equality.
19. They gaslight you
Put simply, gaslighting is when someone blames you for their mistakes, then makes you feel like you are crazy for even thinking about it in the first place.
You feel like something is wrong, but their words make sense, so you suppress your feelings and doubts, which creates a lot of confusion and anxiety.
What’s worse, now you feel guilty for even bringing it up in the first place. It’s an ugly spiral of emotional abuse.
Stay away from anyone who makes you doubt yourself. Your gut is always right.
Because over the long term all that self-doubt and insidious incriminations will crush your sense of self-worth and any self-confidence you had. You won’t know which feelings or emotions are real and eventually the stress and anxiety, and the lack of empathy from someone who should treasure you, will make you feel worthless and depressed.
20. They are passive aggressive
The problem with passive aggressiveness is that it leaves you with nowhere to go, there is no good way to respond to someone.
You can’t get upset, because they will tell you they didn’t mean it and you are making a big deal out of nothing.
You can’t ignore it, because they won’t stop, they are actually upset about something, but they don’t have the ability to deal with it properly.
They are making you feel awful about something without giving you recourse for talking it out and addressing it.
No matter how you respond, it will be the wrong response.
Stay away from people who are passive aggressive. At first it might seem funny, but that acid tongue will soon be pointing in your direction and you will not like it.
21. They roll their eyes when you speak
This might be something innocent, or it might not, it depends on how often they do it to you.
If they roll their eyes at you a lot it indicates they don’t have any respect for what you just said, or what you are feeling or experiencing. In other words, they are expressing contempt.
Whatever their intent, if it makes you feel unvalued, it is important to address it as soon as possible.
Stay calm, and politely say something like “I know you don’t mean it, but when you roll your eyes at me I feel like you don’t care about what I am saying, that you are feeling contempt for me. I really wish you would stop doing it to me.”
If they refuse to change, or worse, turn it back on you (gaslight you), then it’s a sign that they really do not value you and don’t care enough about your happiness to change.
22. They belittle you or patronize you
If your partner is using words that make you feel small, unimportant, or inadequate, then it is a sign they don’t value you, and worse, they feel superior to you in some way.
This will eat at your sense of self-worth and self-confidence so watch out for anyone who does this to you.
23. Even after months of dating, they won’t let you meet their family or friends
Like the above, this can be entirely innocent, although in my experience it seldom is.
Sometimes we do have family we are a bit embarrassed about, and we all have those friends we only hang out with in certain circumstances.
But if you feel you are in a committed relationship and it’s been over 6 months, and they are still not letting you meet even a single friend, then there is a problem.
It could be that they are embarrassed about YOU, which is obviously a huge problem.
But it could also be that they are seeing someone else and don’t want the 2 lives they are living to overlap.
Either way, if you are in a happy and healthy relationship, then it’s natural to want to introduce your new partner to all those people in your life that you care about.
24. They criticise your family and friends, or otherwise isolate you
When a partner is overly critical of your family and friends, people who have been in your life for years, for better or worse, it can be a manipulation tactic to isolate you.
By making it sound like they just have your best interest at heart, but your parents or siblings don’t, they are driving a wedge between you and your family.
They might also push you to spend more time with them instead of going to see your family or friends. At first this might sound like they really love you because they want to spend more time with you, but if it continues it’s because they are manipulating you.
While it’s natural to want to spend lots of time with someone you are in love with, it’s unnatural to want your partner to not maintain the healthy relationships you already have.
25. They are constantly telling you how perfect you are
It sounds like a great idea, but when a partner puts you on a pedestal, this can create problems down the line.
When someone thinks you are perfect, they have an idealised version of you in their head. Eventually there will be a rude awakening, because let’s face it, you are not perfect, no-one is, at which point the other person will feel a huge sense of disappointment and dismay.
This can lead to arguments and fights.
Let’s be honest, a healthy relationship is where someone sees you for who you are, flaws and all, and still loves you.
26. They are very clingy
Clingy people are insecure people, they are constantly looking for validation and attention from others.
It’s as if their entire identity exists only as part of a couple, or as an extension of you.
It can be suffocating to be in a relationship like that. You won’t be able to go out and see your friends by yourself. Everything you do you will have to do together.
27. Your values don’t align
You want kids, they don’t want kids.
You are saving for a house, they spend money on their credit card.
They like to go clubbing till 4am and you like to stay at home watching TV.
When your values don’t align on such fundamental issues as children or money, it will only lead to arguments and fights.
28. Saying mean and hurtful things during an argument
It’s natural to have disagreements, and indeed healthy, but how you handle a disagreement is crucial if you want to build a healthy and trusting relationship.
When someone flies off the handle and screams mean and hurtful things designed to cut you as deep as possible, then that is a very big red flag.
The problem here is once something has been said, it can’t be unsaid. They can only apologize, but that only takes the edge of the comment, it doesn’t make the comment go away. You will always remember it. It will always be there between you. You may forgive, but you won’t forget.
No-one who really cares for you and wants the best for you should want to hurt you so badly.
29. They give you the silent treatment
Up there with passive aggressiveness, is the silent treatment.
They are obviously upset about something, but don’t have the emotional maturity or confidence to deal with it in a healthy way.
Healthy communication, without blame and criticism, is the cornerstone of any relationship. Without it, a relationship cannot grow into a trusting, respectful and balanced bond between 2 people.
If the other person can learn to be more open with you and explain themselves in a calm and polite way, that’s great, if not, it will be a problem going forward, because when someone gives you the silent treatment, they are freezing you out. They are withdrawing their love and attention from you. It’s hurtful and unnecessary and makes the person on the receiving end feel resentment.
30. They want to read your emails, DM’s and texts or ask for access to your phone
You are entitled to privacy, to having your own thoughts and feelings which you discuss in private with friends and family you trust.
Anyone with a healthy level of self-confidence won’t mind giving you that privacy.
While we all have baggage from previous relationships, that does not give anyone the right to read your social media messages or access your phone, even with your permission, which they might manipulate out of you on some innocent pretext.
31. Jealousy
Jealousy of any kind is toxic and damaging.
32. Controlling how you spend your money, how you dress and who you see
Like jealousy, controlling behavior is incredibly toxic. However, it can often be more subtle than jealousy, so it’s harder to spot.
Watch out for someone who polices how you spend your own hard earned money. Are they going through all your shopping bags looking at every single item?
How about what you wear? Are they telling you what to wear, or criticising your outfit, especially if they feel it’s too revealing?
Do they want you to stop seeing certain friends, and make you feel bad for even visiting your own family?
Controlling behavior is slow and insidious, so be very careful, listen to friends who question it so you don’t get blind sided by thinking that the behavior is OK or simply a one-off.
33. Accusing you of flirting with someone
Jealous and controlling behavior often starts with random accusations of flirting, often simply because you talked to someone, or smiled at another person.
If they do it often, and if their mood becomes really dark and unpleasant, it is a big red flag that they are unable to control their jealousy, and will instead seek to control your behavior.
34. They have more than one social media account
People who cheat often have one social media account for mainstream friends and family, and another account for contacting people in secret.
35. They are very sneaky and possessive regarding their phone
While everyone is entitled to privacy, that shouldn’t mean they are afraid of letting you see their phone.
If they are, it’s a big red flag that they are hiding something.
36. They refuse to tell you where they are going or who they are seeing
People who cheat are often vague about where they are going or who they are seeing.
37. Displays physical violence (Major red flag in a relationship)
Of course, it goes without saying that if someone is violent towards you or anyone you care about (children, friends, family, pets), you should immediately report it to the police and leave that person in fear for your life.
Unfortunately, sometimes this can be as “innocent” as slamming doors or punching walls, making people ignore it or not treat it as seriously as physical violence towards a living thing.
But the truth is, those are symptoms of someone incapable of regulating their anger and frustration, and resorting to violence to let it out.
Many victims of domestic violence report that for the first few years, that’s how their partner dealt with anger. While it was scary for them, they were not the target. But unfortunately, over time, that violence became directed at them and they became the punchbag.
Anyone who cannot manage their emotions in a healthy way should be avoided at all costs.
38. Words and actions do not match up
When I grew up, we had a saying “actions speak louder than words”.
Yet more and more it seems that what people say matters more than what they do.
39. They make plans with you but then fail to honour those plans
This can mean they don’t respect your time, or they don’t think your life or career is as important as theirs.
40. You often catch them in a lie
The odd lie, while not good, is not necessarily that bad either.
But constant lying means you will never be able to trust what they say.
41. Past cheating behavior
Did they cheat on their partner in previous relationships? People don’t change. Whatever the reasons for cheating multiple times in the past were, it’s doubtful those reasons have magically gone away. Anyone who thinks it’s OK to cheat repeatedly will probably do it to you too.
42. They threaten you with violence or self-harm, even jokingly
When someone threatens to hurt you or hurt themselves, even in a joking matter, that is a major red flag.
Violence against a partner, as well as self-harm, are both tactics used to control the other person.
Some countries have laws that will allow you to contact the police to see if this person has previously hurt a partner, or has been accused of coercive behavior.
43. You cry more than usual
When you cry more than usual, start to feel depressed or unhappy, it’s a major red flag and a sign that you are in a very unhealthy relationship.
It is time to reassess if the relationship can be fixed, or if it is time to move on, no matter how scary that might seem.
Getting Help
Most countries, cities, towns or states have some form of social care that will help anyone trying to escape an abusive relationship. A quick internet search will help you find what you are looking for.
But for more help and advice, you can check out the Red Flag Campaign. They have some handy handouts you can download and print here that will help you spot red flags or toxic behavior: http://www.theredflagcampaign.org/handouts.
Conclusion
While the above has been written toward romantic relationships, the same red flags apply to all relationships within limits, whether those are friendships, familial relationships, or professional work relationships.
All relationships should be built on trust and respect, no matter how romantic or platonic they are.
If You Are Ever In Doubt, Simply Ask Yourself:
“Does this make me feel valued, respected and loved? Does this make me trust the other person more, or less?”